Who By Fire
by PlaguedPorcelain
Summary: Three years, three titles. Countless bodies, completed revenge and a couple of medals later, Catherine Shepard finds a new home aboard the Normandy. Anxious that history might repeat itself, she tries to keep her distance... that is, until she find a new purpose after the desolation of Eden Prime. Shenko ME1-ME3
1. Chapter 1: Hello, Goodbye

Chapter 1: Hello, Goodbye

Land. It's so much different than Space. Land: solid, stoic…static. The monotony was not needed and not wanted. There was too much pain being felt. Too much to think about. She needed space. She needed Space.

Moving a hand to massage her bruised shoulder, she found that it offered no relief. She was beyond bruised. She was broken. Physically, Mentally. Whatever else, she was broken.

And now she had to sit through this ceremony. This damn ceremony. Who would give a medal to a soldier who survived an attack that killed her entire team? She didn't need a medal for her cowardice. She really just wanted to sleep. …To die. Why did she deserve to live? Why couldn't she save them?

* * *

 _"_ _Luciana! Just run! Please!" He pushed her hands away from his body as she had tried to stop the blood. There was just too much. He was going to die. She shook at the realization, tears streaming down her face. She couldn't save him. Reality seemed to be crashing down about her._

 _"_ _I just found you! I just found you! I can't lose you again!" He squeezed her hand, holding it close to his heart. It broke at the thought of her grief. He loved her. God, he loved her._

 _"_ _Go, Luciana. I love you." His eyes closed and his ragged breath stopped. She reluctantly pulled her hand from his grasp. Standing, she drew her pistol._ They will pay.

* * *

 _The shrieks of her team, her brothers and sisters, filled the air as it grew putrid with the smell of acid and blood. It was chaos. She couldn't focus. Every time she turned her head more were dead. Clutching her sniper rifle close, she tried to hit one of the monsters that were attacking them. She was too terrified. Her shots were off. She couldn't breathe. Her incompetence was killing them. She needed to focus._

 _"_ _Shepard! You have to get out of here. We'll hold it off. You're the only one they'll listen to, ma'am! Run, that's an order, ma'am!"_ Toombs.

 _"_ _I won't leave you!" She screamed, clawing at him as he pushed her away from the battle. "NO!" Her smaller frame gave way easily as he hoisted her into the air to get her away faster. She beat hard against his shoulders to no avail. "Let me down, Toombs! Let go!"_

 _He wrestled her into the inner compound before locking and shorting out the door. He heard her bang hopelessly on its steel as he readied himself to face the monsters. She was their only hope. She needed to survive._

 _She ran. She ran so that she could kill the things that had eaten an entire colony and her team. She would have vengeance. She was a coward._

* * *

 _How far she had come, to avenge him. By the blood of her men, she had won. The Batarians had been massacred. Torfan had been won. But at what cost? Did their lives equate to this?_

 _She lay wounded amongst the dead bodies, bleeding. She couldn't move. Not only because of her wounds but because of her guilt. She felt relief and remorse at the same time. It made her sick._

She closed her eyes, wishing for death. It would be so much simpler.

 _But it did not come. Catherine Luciana Shepard awoke in an Alliance Med bay with another medal and title to her name: Commander._

* * *

"Cate, it's been six years." Anderson looked over to her, watching as she slunk into the grass, kneeling, as they watched Alliance Military officers change guard in front of the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. This was where she remembered those she had lost. This was where she decided that she could best pay her respects to her dead soldiers, for they had no grave; just a plaque on a wall and ink on her back.

They had come in the drizzling rain at her request as it had been the first time she had gotten shore leave on the home world in almost three years. Guilt and sorrow had eaten her up along her travels as she found it was difficult to grieve them without a physical grave. To just stare at a list of names on her Datapad felt wrong and inhumane to remember them in such a way.

She snorted. "David, you and I both know Akuze is not the only reason I am here. I'm here for Torfan too. And for the Blitz." She had proven to be a hero, a survivor and an avenger in three years and she was proud of none of those titles. "I thought, stupidly, that somehow someway by avenging him on Torfan, sacrificing my men to achieve my own personal vengeance, I'd get him back… or just be comfortable with him gone. I was wrong. I paid my price." She ran rough fingertips along her jawline, uncomfortable in her own skin.

"It's a difficult lesson to learn. It's made you who you are now: the best soldier I've seen in a while. You have compassion and this charisma that would make any soldier follow you to the ends of the galaxy – hell, I would – but, you're not weary about making tough decisions when you need to make them. That is what sacrifice has built in you. We need more soldiers like you."

Cate ran a hand over her face as she thought about his words. He did not really understand what sacrifice meant to her. _He_ had sacrificed himself out of love for her on Elysium, she had risked her life to save Elysium, her soldiers had sacrificed themselves for her to escape on Akuze, and she had sacrificed her men on Torfan to achieve a nasty revenge. Sacrifice had taken a toll on her. …Maybe Anderson did know something about what sacrifice meant… He knew that now, she would give her life to save anyone else's.

Standing and facing him, she tried to discern the true meaning of why he had agreed to escort her to the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. He had ulterior motives. She could tell by his pointed looks and his willingness to talk about her record. He wasn't proud of Torfan. He hated it. When he had read the report, he was so disappointed. He had lost the little girl he had known; she was a different woman now. And when Hannah had asked him about why her daughter had made such ruthless decisions, he couldn't bear telling her that it was for revenge. "What do you want me to do, sir?"

He couldn't deny her the truth. He couldn't ever. He had passed information to her about Torfan. He had requested that she be sent to Torfan as she knew her foe from the Blitz. He was responsible for her actions because of his unwillingness to hide things from her. Now was no different. "I want you to join me. It would be nice to work with an N7 again, graduate."

Her graduation from the N7 program was the reason for her shore leave on Earth. She had sat through another damn ceremony. At least this one only celebrated her future survival and the death of others. She hated ceremonies. "Aboard that Turian ship?"

"The Normandy is of Human and Turian design. I want you as XO. Well, I need you as XO, Cate," he chuckled, wrinkles forming on his forehead and at the sides of his eyes. He loved this girl as his own daughter. He wanted what was best for her but he also wanted what was best for the galaxy. She needed to be a Spectre.

Cate smirked, reaching out to touch his arm. "And I need Space. Get me off this rock, Anderson."

 **A few months prior**

Admiral Hackett impatiently checked his watch as he waited for the now late Captain Anderson. They were supposed to already be meeting the Ambassador. He understood that Citadel traffic was bad sometimes, but still… Making the Ambassador wait was not at the top of his priority list. He knew Ambassador Udina had a temper, one he rarely kept in check. Hackett just didn't want to hear any of the political bullshit that was going to fly out of his mouth. He had had enough of that recently with overseeing parts of the SSV Normandy's construction. Yes, he had had enough of being paraded about as the Alliance's new dealer of all bullshit. Truly, he was just a soldier. He did not want to be visible in the political sector at all, but apparently he had a 'knack' for it – something, he cursed himself for. Sometimes, he wished he could just be that lowly seaman, just following orders and keeping his head down.

No, that was not his life. Not anymore. And he was reminded of that as Captain Anderson joined him in the Ambassador's antechamber. "Sir," the Captain addressed him, giving a quick salute. Hackett nodded to him and they informed Udina's attendant that they were ready for the meeting.

They exchanged greetings and handshakes with the Ambassador as they sat down and got down to business. Anderson placed three identical files on the table, handing one to each of the men there. Hackett's eyes found the name on the file: Catherine Luciana Shepard.

Shepard was a household name. Hannah was a legend. She had been very involved in the First Contact War, leading intelligence teams into very trying situations. She was now the Executive Officer of the Kilimanjaro, an Alliance dreadnaught. But her daughter Catherine was something else. Everyone knew her service record, of the Blitz and Akuze and Torfan. She was as much a legend as her mother.

These talks they were having had been going on for months over comm calls. It was different in person. It felt more official. Shepard was the last of their candidates they were considering putting forth for candidacy for a Spectre. Hackett hoped she was the one. They needed a human Spectre.

Udina did not open his file while Hackett and Anderson both did. "What can you tell me about her? I know she's a Spacer, grew up with Mommy Shepard. Poor papa was out of the picture though," he sneered. All of the other candidates they had put forward had received the same treatment from him. Hackett hated how disagreeable he was. _Politicians._

Anderson narrowed his eyes at the man and stated flatly, "If you really need the reference, open the file and you would remember that she was the hero of the Blitz." Anderson was briefly happy about Udina not reading the file as he did not see the true reason why she joined the Alliance. It wasn't because of her parents, it was a sentence.

Hackett joined him. "She rallied what little troops there were and held off the invasion until help arrived." Paraphrasing the file, he added, "She's the only reason why the people of Elysium are not in chains and why we hardly lost any troops until reinforcements came. She's good at her job."

Finally opening the file, Udina read over some lines, information he already knew about. "Akuze. She's off the table." He closed the file with a thump, folding his hands over top of it.

Anderson exploded, smacking the table in rage. "Why? She's our best chance. She's the best damn soldier we have to offer. You know Akuze was not her fault." Picking up her report, he read verbatim, "'…Toombs requested that I leave the vicinity very aggressively. In the accompanying audio, he told me to "get out of here" and that it was "an order". It was the hardest decision of my life. I didn't have to make it. He forced me into shelter, trapping me. I ran as my squad held off what I know now as Thresher Maws… I couldn't avenge my team. I need to kill the monsters…'" Dropping the report rather violently, he stared fiercely at Udina. "She has scars. She faced a very tough situation. It would be understandable if she was now mentally unstable. But," he pointed his finger harshly at her file. "She survived."

Udina snarled slightly. "Is that the kind of person we want protecting the galaxy?"

Wearily, Anderson answered him, hoping that he would understand why they needed her. "That's the only person who can protect the galaxy."

Not wanting to interject into the other men's quarrel, Hackett cleared his throat softly. Their silence gave him leave to say, "We should not question Akuze. It is Torfan we should worry about. She got most of her squad killed on Torfan."

Luckily the file and none of the reports had mentioned _him_ or her personal investment in Torfan, Anderson thought. _If the Alliance brass knew…_

It was Udina's turn to defend her. From the reports he had read about Torfan, he had supported her choices. "She gets the job done, it seems," finally conceding to Anderson. "No matter what the cost. I think that is something we need in a soldier."

"I do worry about her obedience. She's never been one to follow the rules and regulations. She's been court-martialed more than I would like a candidate to be. Could we trust her to do what we ask of her?" Hackett felt like he really needed a nap; better yet, a drink. This Spectre nomination process was hairy and too political for his liking. He would have preferred to put an N7 who had a clean record on the podium, just because he knew they would be a little more controllable. Based on resume alone, Cate was the perfect candidate. She had seen terrible situations and made the best of them, she had top records in all of her tests and training modules, and he couldn't deny her lineage or reputation. People both feared and respected her. Amongst the Alliance, she was a juggernaut, a titan among men. Even aliens seemed to fear her, especially after Torfan. Normal people didn't do what she did, does. She was bred for this and trained for this. The heavens had aligned themselves for this.

"Hard decisions have to be made. We need someone who has had her experiences. We need her. She is the most qualified person in the galaxy." Anderson's eyes pleaded with them. _Hear me out. Please._

Hackett tugged on his beard for a second before nodding. "She's the only one, I suppose."

Looking to Udina, both men searched his face for his answer. "I'll make the call." He shook their hands as they stood, gathering the files. "I'll arrange for her graduation ceremony from the N7 program to take place on Earth soon. Good day, gentlemen."

* * *

She found herself growing ever more frustrated with every passing second. Earlier, she had zipped up her boots before noticing that they were on the wrong feet and had missed a belt loop or two.

Cate now fiddled with the pockets of her black standard issued cargo pants as she waited for Anderson in the Alliance Base Reception so that he could escort her to the new ship. Noticing her actions, she pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to force herself to calm down. Which she did not achieve and began messing with her hair. Soon, she would be likely to pull her N7 tee-shirt from its place tucked snugly into her pants to toy with it as well.

Attempting to call Anderson one more time, Cate grew even more irritated with his absence. She began pacing. When she noticed she was, she forced herself to sit. And when she noticed her legs shaking as she sat, she forced them still with her hands. She was a wreck.

The receptionist observed her with slight amusement and sympathy. Standing, the woman made her way over to the soldier with coffee hair. "Miss, can I get you something? Water or some coffee?"

Cate jumped at the woman's sudden appearance, offering her a pinched smile. "Could I have some water?"

"Certainly, miss." She watched the receptionist retreat back and fetch her a cup of water. "Here you are."

"Thank you," Cate flashed a smile again. She was a mess and this woman had seen that. She was thankful for the water, but even more thankful for the woman's sympathy and willingness to set her at ease.

Just as she was about to ask the woman her name, Anderson called out her name, "Cate! Sorry, I'm late." He put a hand on her shoulder. Cate sent him a dirty look. "Thank you, Ms. Cordova, for taking care of her. Have a nice day."

"Thank you." Cate managed to get out before Anderson turned her away and they started to briskly walk to his taxi.

"Damn traffic," Anderson cursed as they squeezed into the taxi, securing their belts and instructing the driver on where to go.

As she watched the other cars zoom by, she thought about how much she loved Arcturus Station. It brought her peace. It was like having all of her favorite land amenities, but on a giant space station. Yes, she'd rather be here than on any planet. It was the best of both worlds.

She had calmed down, she noticed, though she was still drumming her fingers against her leg. Anderson smiled at her habits. Trying to reassure her, he said, "You're a good leader, Cate." She knew that he knew why she was upset. A tabloid had released an op-ed about her that smeared her name. The writer claimed that they had several witnesses that said that she knew that the thresher maws were on Akuze and led her people there on purpose. This information apparently correlated with the fact that she had gotten many of her men killed on Torfan as well. The tabloid had released this story because of her joining the Normandy, a ship many felt like she should not be in charge of because of her bloody history. As the article had said, why would they give a top of the line warship to a traitor and a murder?

Of course, she felt like this story could impact her initial meeting with her crew. She could not have distrust working against her. Then people could get killed. She already had her public record against her when it came to meeting people. She didn't need to have others adding fuel to the fire with their wild speculations.

The look of gratefulness she gave him made his heart soar. "Thank you, David," she told him as their car stopped outside the docking bay. She straightened her posture as they exited, all signs of her frustration gone. She was Catherine Luciana Shepard. She should not let others shape her story and certainly shouldn't let it warp her into a mess.

As they entered the beautiful Normandy, she couldn't hide her grin. The ship was magnificent. It was pure art. And she loved it. She was too busy geeking out to hear someone shout, "Officers on deck!" Cate was turned at the sudden sound of heels clicking together as all of her subordinates saluted her and Anderson.

She took a second to return the salute as Anderson said, "At ease! I am Captain David Anderson, your CO. This is Commander Shepard. She will be your XO." She felt suddenly judged as everyone stared at her, evaluating her – she assumed. She could just hear their thoughts: _"Hero of the Blitz," "Butcher of Torfan," "Akuze."_

Anderson left her to the crew he apparently already knew or just didn't have time to mingle with. "Hello," she offered a tight smile, tugging at her pockets. "I'm Commander Cate Shepard." She straightened up, assuming more control. "I look forward to working with you and for you. I know you have heard the stories and rumors about me. Know that I am not defined by my titles, other than XO. Do I make myself clear?"

There was a chorus of "yes, ma'am" and then silence. Cate truly didn't have anything else to say yet. She was exhausted. She had been up late worrying about this situation, practicing different outcomes and speeches in her head all through the night. She did not regret it though. Being worried allowed her to be distracted from her normal nighttime routine of ghoulish nightmares. She was worn from the constant reminders of their deaths. They had haunted her ever since Elysium.

"So if you have any questions…" she was cut off by a bearded man in an Alliance hat, leaning heavily on his crutches. "So, _Cate_ , I've heard you love ships, being a spacer and all. But what about their pilots?" He beamed a big grin at her and she could not help but return it.

"It's Shepard to you," she replied shortly, but not without humor, arching an eyebrow, "Mr. …?"

"Name's Joker," he stated proudly. Commenting on the nickname, he explained, "It's supposed to be funny." He stuck out his hand for her to shake. She grasped it firmly, knowing that this man was the best pilot in the galaxy. "It is nice to finally meet the woman behind the legend. Honestly, I was expecting the Grim Reaper itself or something hellishly sexy like a she-demon. Close though. You're actually not too scary."

She raised an eye brow at the pass at her and made a mental note to chat with him about the commander-subordinate boundaries. "I try to smile a bit more than the pictures in the tabloids," she offered. "It's a pleasure to meet you as well, Joker."

"You've heard of me? It's a dream come true! Let me have the crew introduce themselves." He motioned to the two men that stood slightly behind him. He moved out of the way and leaned heavily once more on his supports.

Taking their cue to introduce themselves, a young, excitable man stuck out his hand quickly before the older man behind him could. "Corporal Richard L. Jenkins, ma'am. Did you really do all the things they say you did?" Before she could answer, he shook his head as if it had been a silly question. "Of course you did. You're N7. You're the best there is." Apparently, he didn't need any additional gossip about her. Anything he heard he assumed was true. She gave a small smile at his naïveté, knowing it wouldn't be that harmful.

The man behind him placed a hand on his shoulder. "Don't overwhelm her too much, Jenkins. I'm sure the Commander is a little tired after her recent journey from Earth." As Jenkins stepped to the side, he gave her a warm smile and a hand. She sized up her second, admiring the seasoned warrior. Anderson had given her all their files. She had taken slight interest in her LT as he was an L2 Biotic. To her surprise, and probably many others, he still functioned normally. "Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. Jenkins and I are your assigned ground team for this mission, Commander."

Cate nodded swiftly. "I look forward to working beside you, Lieutenant." She released his hand, eyes following his back as he turned around and helped Joker back to the cockpit. Those two were the ones to watch. They would be her best men. Granted, everyone on board the Normandy was the best in their field. But those two were legends in the making, if they weren't already.


	2. Chapter 2: When the Levee Breaks

Chapter 2: When the Levee Breaks

The first night on aboard was a memorable one for everyone. It was when they found out about what happens when you've seen the worst of horrors. It was survivor's guilt and they now knew the sound.

Kaidan watched her as she turned from her position standing by Joker to leave. He did not mean to stare, but something about her piqued his interest. She was a beautiful woman, but that wasn't it. The Alliance was full of beautiful women. Something about her seemed familiar. Something reminded him of …

"Earth to Kaidan," Joker's voice startled him from his thoughts. Raising a mischievous eyebrow at Kaidan's obvious observation of their XO, he joked, "I, too, have a thing for tastefully tight pants, though I am also a fan of the XO's apparent love of body-hugging tees."

"Ha ha, very funny, Joker. I do not have a thing for the Commander. There's just something about her…"

"Are you sure it's not the way she swings her hips, because damn… It's so good." He turned to watch her retreating figure for a second. "Of course, that's just a mere man's observation. There's no intent there. So if you wanted to, you know…" He mimicked kissing with his hands, getting carried away with his imagination. Kaidan was glad that he didn't make a more obscene gesture.

Before he could go any farther, Kaidan stopped him with a hand. "Thanks, but no thanks. Anyways, I'd rather not incur any fire from the Brass for fraternization. Or worse, fire from the Commander."

Joker sighed, adjusting some of his measurements on his board. "Buzz kill. Sometimes I wonder if it would be worth it to break the rules."

Just then the bell for the skeleton shift rang, signaling the completion of their shift. As they waited for Runyan and Holcomb to relieve them they checked the course and measurements one last time. Finally they left as the others took their previous seats. Making their way to the elevator, they listened to the crowd of people gathering about them.

"I know what you mean, Lena. She asked about my family. Apparently she worked aboard my dad's ship when she first enlisted. She said he was the best XO she's ever had, that she was inspired by him to be an XO like him."

"We talked about my kids back home on Elysium. I remember the day she saved us. Everyone makes it seem like it was this glorious, complex thing. I mean, it was, but not as good as the vids made it. Here she was, just a kid. She had fire in her eyes and just a sniper rifle in her hands. She gave a passionate speech and everyone was behind her. We were desperately outnumbered. Her plan was for her to sit up in the water tower and snipe, calling out orders from her higher perspective. It worked. Without her, Elysium would have been lost. What she did was simple, glorious but simple," Darren Santana shared.

A small but confident voice joined the crowd. "She's the reason I joined. I was seventeen when I saw the Elysium vids. I wanted to be just like her. I want to be N7." Jenkins smiled brightly at his crew members.

Kaidan put a strong hand on the boy's back as the elevator opened, squeezing his shoulder friendlily. Piling on, they all rode the elevator down to the crew quarters. Most of them headed to the showers but some headed straight to the sleeping pods. Kaidan was among those who went to shower.

* * *

When he emerged, he came back to a crowd gathering in the mess and near the sleeping pods. All crew were out of their sleeping pods. Murmurs echoed off the steel walls. Dressed in just his shorts, Kaidan joined the crowd. "What happened, Joker?"

"Jenkins is trying to calm down the Commander. She started screaming in her sleep. It was terrible." He gave a wry laugh. "Must have seen something awful to scream like that. I wonder, though, whether it's Akuze that haunts her or Torfan."

"Do me a favor: Don't ask her about it," he commanded as he moved to where Jenkins was with Cate at a corner of the room. He approached slowly, coming to a stop about ten yards away.

The strong woman that appeared in the vids was gone. Even the woman they met today was nowhere to be seen. The person before him was curled so tightly into herself he was afraid she might just disappear. Jenkins was kneeling before her, hands on her elbows, trying to get her to talk to no avail. He could see her shake as she sobbed. _What had she seen? What is she seeing?_

"Commander, you're okay, you're safe. You're on the Normandy. Everything is alright. Come on, talk to me," Jenkins coaxed. He rubbed his hands soothingly on her arms. She did not respond. "Commander, I assure you that everything is fine. You have nothing to worry about. It was just a bad dream."

Her head snapped up so fiercely Kaidan was sure she had head-butted Jenkins. "It's not a dream!" she screamed at him, her hands finding their way into her long hair to massage her scalp. She rocked a little. "If it was a dream, I'd wake up. They wouldn't be here. I'd wake up. And they wouldn't be here. Leave me alone!" She whispered so low Kaidan thought he missed it. "I'm still here. I'm still here. I'm still here."

"Cate," Jenkins barked with authority and complete seriousness, completely ignoring their ranks. He gripped her tightly on her arms, forcing her to stop moving. She screeched at his touch, struggling to move in his grip. "You do not have to live a nightmare! Not right now."

She seemed to snap out of whatever hell she was experiencing to look directly at Jenkins and answer. "You don't understand. I killed them all. I let them die. For revenge. They're dead because of me. Because, oh God…" She resumed her rocking. An image of her wading through bodies and blood resurfaced and she was lost again to her torture.

Before Jenkins could speak again, Anderson appeared next to Kaidan. "Jenkins, that's enough. I'll see to your Commander." As Jenkins stepped back, Anderson walked forward, bending to offer Cate a hand up. "I'm here. Come on, Cate, come back." A glaze still covered her eyes as she grabbed his hand strongly. After she stood, she did not let go of that hand, her brown eyes downcast.

Anderson shot a look to Kaidan, one that expected him to give the order. "Everyone, you can go back to sleep." People filed into their pods at his order. Jenkins, however, stayed back.

"That was good, what you did, Jenkins," Kaidan said as they made their way to the mess table.

"I have a little sister on Eden Prime. She used to get nightmares so badly she would hardly sleep. I'd stay with her all night to be able to calm her down. The Commander needed that." Running a hand through his hair he chuckled, "I hope she forgives me for calling her 'Cate'. I was totally out of line."

Before Kaidan could reassure him, they heard a huge commotion coming from Anderson's private quarters. Cate stormed out of his quarters, yelling. "I can't get attached to them! I'll get them killed. I am a murderer. I will kill them, David, just like Akuze, just like Torfan. I don't want their sympathy. I don't want their friendship. I can't be on this ship anymore." She sobbed, breaking down. "I can't be XO anymore."

"Are you resigning," Anderson stepped out and squared his shoulders, looking very cross with her. "Because I cannot allow that. You can fight these demons. You are not what they say you are, Cate."

"It is not your decision to make. You know that. It's not mine either." She started to tug at her tank, pulling it up around her shoulders. Kaidan could see the lines of ink on her back. He couldn't tell what they were but it looked like words to him, neat and orderly. She turned her back to Anderson, showing him the ink and didn't make eye contact with them. "They haunt me, David. I can't do this."

Jenkins and Kaidan looked on without saying a thing. Kaidan was surprised by Anderson as he softened, coming to pull Cate's shirt back down over her abdomen as he turned her around. He pulled her into a gentle hug and spoke softly. "Your father is proud of you, Cate. You know? But he would not want you to stop living your life, denying yourself friendship or companionship because of what you have suffered."

She pulled back sharply and hissed, "Don't tell me what he would have wanted. I don't want to hear it." Gunfire filled her ears, deafening and numbing her to the world. She began to quickly open and close her fist, counting the times she did. She turned from him again, under control, but this time made direct eye contact with Jenkins and Kaidan. "We'll talk about this later. We've got a lot to do tomorrow. As soon as we finish at Eden Prime, I'm leaving."

"Shepard, you know I will support you in your decisions, whatever they may be." He knew she couldn't stay grounded. He knew she had to be here, in the heat of it all. When she didn't answer, Anderson bade her good night with a weary wave of his hand and reentered his quarters.

She ran a hand across her face and through her long hair as she approached them. "I don't suppose a girl could get a coffee around here…" She collapsed wearily into a seat at a nearby table.

Jenkins was quick to leave, muttering about the coffee, rushing to the prep table to make her a cup. Kaidan looked down at her sitting form from where he stood. He didn't say a word. What would he say? What could he say?

"What," she asked stiffly without looking at him. She was done with the silent judgments. He should just say it aloud.

He took the seat across from her. "Nothing. Nothing, Commander." He leaned heavily on his hand. He was right. She reminded him of her. Of Rahna. Rahna was terrified of Vyrnnus and needed to be protected from him, but she never wanted them to do it because she thought they might get hurt. Cate needed to have the protection of companionship, but she didn't want it because she thought it might get them all killed. "I was just thinking about coffee," he lied smoothly, hoping to appease her.

"I hate that I need it. Coffee is the love of my life. Sometimes it's just a little bitter," she cracked a tight smile at him. He was starting to like those little smiles, those almost smiles.

Kaidan returned the smile. "I know what you mean. I hate the taste, but the advantages it gives Biotics really outweighs my dislike."

She started to say something in response as Jenkins came back, telling her that there was only a little bit of creamer and sugar she could use due to rationing. As he walked closer, he heard Cate say with a frown, "Lieutenant, I must leave you two to sleep. We will be arriving at Eden Prime tomorrow." She grabbed the coffee from Jenkins, leaving the sugar and creamer he had brought. Kaidan and Jenkins saluted her. "At ease." She turned and left them, moving to the elevator.

"Come on," Kaidan clapped the younger man on the shoulder and began to lead him back to the pods, "You heard the Commander. We've got to sleep."


	3. Chapter 3: Midnight Mile

Chapter 3: Moonlight Mile

The Spectre Nihlus had arrived early in the morning and had taken to secret meetings with Anderson. Cate had questioned Anderson about having a Spectre on board for a simple shakedown run and Anderson had answered her with "Nihlus is just here on Council business. You'd want to see if your investment was well placed, wouldn't you?" His answer was a cop-out. There was no way a Spectre would have been sent to 'check an investment'. They would have sent someone with less military training, with fewer guns, and with a lot less security clearance. Something was up.

After finishing what might have been her fifth coffee, Cate began to make her way to the bridge, taking the elevator up. She wanted to see the jump. She loved hitting the Mass relays, always had. There was just something about the familiar pull and push as the ship was blasted away. And the light was glorious. Yes, she loved them.

She heard Joker's voice come over the Comm announcing their approach to the relay. "The Arcturus relay is in range. Initiating transmission sequence." Cate hastened her speed. She wouldn't make it going as slow as a snail. Doing so, she almost ran straight into Jenkins, who gave her a slight nod and a "Commander."

As she passed Navigator Pressly, Joker came on again, "We are connected." She could hear anticipation in his voice. "Calculating transit mass and destination." She was almost there. "The relay is hot. Acquiring approach vector. All stations secure for transit."

She was surprised to see Nihlus standing behind Joker and Alenko, observing. She joined him, her body singing with excitement. "The board is green. Approach run has begun." They zoomed closer, the light becoming so bright she had to close her eyes. The relays were massive, dwarfing their fairly large ship. She could feel the pull now; it was setting her body on fire with joy. "Hitting the relay in 3…2…1…" And they were blasted off. The moment was over as soon as it began.

"Thrusters… check. Navigation…check. Internal emissions sink engaged. All systems online. Drift…just under 1500 K," Joker started rattling off, extremely pleased with himself. _He truly is the best pilot in the Alliance._

Nihlus commented, "1500 is good. Your captain will be pleased." Surprising Cate again, he just turned and walked away. Cate did a double take, completely confused as to why he had been up in the cockpit and his qualifications for a great pilot.

A smile spread over her face as Joker stated, "I hate that guy."

Kaidan looked from where he sat to Joker, "Nihlus gave you a compliment… so you hate him?"

Cate moved closer to Joker, standing right behind his chair. She placed a hand on top of the back of it. "You remember to zip up your jumpsuit on the way out of the bathroom? That's good. I just jumped us halfway across the galaxy and hit a target the size of a pinhead. So that's incredible!" She gave a short laugh at Joker's statements, alerting both of them to her presence. "Besides, Spectres are trouble. I don't like having him on board. Call me paranoid."

"You're paranoid. The Council helped fund this project. They have a right to send someone to keep an eye on their investment." Kaidan spewed out exactly what Anderson had told her. She frowned slightly at his apparent complete trust in their Captain's words. David had never been very sneaky about lying to her; she knew one when she heard one.

"Yeah, that's the official story. But only an idiot believes the official story," Joker smiled smugly at Kaidan.

Cate added, "They don't send Spectres on simple shakedown runs. It doesn't make sense."

"So there's more going on here than the Captain's letting on," Joker confirmed for Kaidan.

Cate resisted the urge to say "Speak of the devil" as Anderson commed Joker. "Joker! Status report."

"Just cleared the mass relay, Captain. Stealth systems are engaged. Everything looks solid."

"Good. Find a comm buoy and link us into the network. I want mission reports relayed back to Alliance brass before we reach Eden Prime."

"Aye aye, Captain. Better brace yourself, sir. I think Nihlus is heading your way."

"He's already here, Lieutenant." She could hear slight irritation in Anderson's voice as she watched Kaidan give him a knowing look. Joker shook his head at him, making a face. "Tell Commander Shepard to meet me in the Comm room for a debriefing."

"You get that, Commander," Joker asked, jokingly. His smug look returned.

"Great. You pissed off Anderson, and now I have to deal with it." She leaned in close to joke. "Your XO is way scarier than Anderson mad."

"Pbfft. Don't blame me. The Captain's always mad."

Kaidan gave a short chuckle. "He only sounds like that when he's talking to you, Joker." He watched again as Cate left. Shaking his head at himself, he turned back to his station.

Cate made her way to the Comm room, listening to the bridge chatter. Pressly's voice stood out to her first. "I'm telling you, I just saw him! He marched by like he was on a mission."

Adams answered him a tad bit sarcastic. "He's a Spectre. They're always on a mission." She could imagine Adams drumming on the signal boards down in engineering, monitoring how the Normandy made the jump. Probably quite pleased with the ship as well as Joker.

"And we're getting dragged right along with him!"

"Relax, Pressly. You're going to give yourself an ulcer," he grumbled over the comm as she passed Pressly.

As she approached the Comm room, Jenkins stopped her. She joined him and Dr. Chakwas. "Commander? We won't be staying on Eden Prime too long, will we? I'm itching for some real action!" he exclaimed with a salute.

Cate returned the salute, suppressing a small smile at his enthusiasm. Before she could answer, the doctor said, "I sincerely hope you're kidding, Corporal. Your 'real action' usually ends up with me patching up crew members in the infirmary."

Agreeing with the doctor, Cate stated, "Just relax a little, Jenkins. A good soldier stays cool, even under fire. Plus, we'll see 'real action' soon enough." He was like a lot of colonist kids. They wanted to leave their small world and see the whole of the universe. There was a phrase a subordinate had said to her captured this: 'To matter more than a place or occupation.'

"Sorry, Commander. But this waiting's killing me. I've never been on a mission like this before. Not one with a Spectre on board!"

"You'll do fine, kid. I promise," she reassured him.

"Easy for you to say. You've already proven yourself on Elysium, Akuze and Torfan! Everybody knows what you can do. You might as well be a Spectre! This is my big chance. I need to show the Brass what I can do," he almost shouted with excitement.

"You're young, Jenkins. You've got a long career ahead of you. Don't do something stupid to mess it up," Cate said. She was beginning to like this kid. Something about him made her feel reenergized. _Where does he keep all of that energy?_

"Don't worry, ma'am. Anyways, I think we've kept you too long."

"Thank you, Jenkins. See you later."

"Bye, Commander."

Cate jogged to the Comm room, opening the door to see only Nihlus. She approached him, definitely wanting answers. What really were they really going to Eden Prime for? Maybe she could pry some information from him. Subtlety had never been her strong point though. She was more of a chess piece than a diplomat. She was supposed to ask 'where?' and 'how high?' instead of 'who?' and 'why?'

He turned as he heard her, his eyes narrowing with concentration and thought. "Commander Shepard. I hoped you'd get here first. It will give us a chance to talk."

"What about," she asked slightly suspicious. Having not worked with many aliens before, she was not overtly trusting. Humans had a volatile trade deal with the Turians. They weren't exactly the best of friends, especially since the First Contact War. In an effort to make the galaxy a little more hospitable and less dangerous, the two had agreed to be economic partners. Regardless of their newly formed partnership, they weren't the Batarians. And that was something she could get behind.

"I'm interested in this world we're going to – Eden Prime. I've heard it's quite beautiful."

Cate really wasn't looking to have an argument about human colonization. Most of the Council races disagreed with the places humans picked for colonization. The Terminus system wasn't exactly stable and was a very dangerous place. Picking to establish your colonies close to this system wasn't necessarily a brilliant idea. But they hadn't known that when they were first colonizing. Most aliens thought that the human colonies were quite weak in addition to being badly placed. It was often said in these heated debates about their colonization that they deserved to have pirates and slavers raid their colonies. Cate could not find agreement in that. She knew that if another race had asked for the help of humans, they would give it. If humans asked for help, they would be scolded like a child for their idiocy. She knew that if she said something defensive or a slight bit not neutral about the colony it might fuel an argument. "I've never been there. Jenkins was born there. He could –"

He cut her off. "But you know of it. It's become something of a symbol for your people, hasn't it? Proof that Humanity can not only establish colonies across the galaxy, but also protect them. But how safe is it really?"

She started to get angry. _Here we go. Catie, you stupid, stupid girl. I thought that was quite mellow. Apparently not. Maybe he wanted to pick a fight regardless of your desire not to._ "What are you asking," she almost snarled.

"Your people are still newcomers, Commander. The galaxy can be a very dangerous place. Is the Alliance truly ready for this?" He came closer to her, almost pleading for an answer. _Jesus, it is_ this _argument. How many times must we deal with this?_ She swallowed a few curse words before opening her mouth to speak.

Before she could speak, Anderson walked in briskly. "I think it's about time we told Cate what's really going on."

Apparently agreeing with him, Nihlus said, "This mission is far more than a simple shakedown run." A scowl appeared on her face. She did not like this pretentious Turian. She didn't like his unstated judgments about the colonies and she certainly didn't like being talked to like a child.

"I already figured that out," Cate stated sharply. She hated when people withheld critical information. She crossed her arms, her lips began to purse.

Anderson rounded on her, trying to calm her down, as he shot her a disappointing look at her insubordination. He could almost feel spite radiating off her and see the irritation in her eyes. "We're making a covert pick-up on Eden Prime. That's why we needed the stealth systems operational."

Cate couldn't understand why he didn't tell her all this to begin with. He could have told her in Arlington when he asked her to join him, or on Arcturus , or even when she boarded the ship, or anytime since then. Why pick now to tell her this, right before they got to Eden Prime? "I don't like being kept in the dark, David," she chided, her scowl deepening.

"This comes down from the top, Cate," he mirrored her face. She knew him well enough to know that he was discretely pulling rank on her. "Information strictly on a need-to-know basis." Cate's frown developed more at his words. She was no longer concentrating on him pulling rank, but on the task at hand. Sometimes she had to switch to soldier mode. _Now is a perfect time._ What were they going to pick up that it required both a Spectre and need-to-know clearance from the top?

Anderson answered her question as if he knew what she was thinking. "A research team on Eden Prime unearthed some kind of beacon during an excavation. It's Prothean. Last time humanity made a discovery like this, it jumped our technology forward two hundred years. But Eden Prime doesn't have the facilities to handle something like this. We need to bring the beacon back to the Citadel."

"Obviously, this goes beyond human interests, Commander. This discovery could affect every species in Council space." Nihlus stepped forward. "The beacon isn't the only reason why I'm here, Commander."

"Nihlus wants to see your work, Shepard. He's here to evaluate you."

"Why? What's going on, Anderson?" Cate turned her attention away from the looming Nihlus. She should have known Anderson was behind something when he approached her that rainy day. Any officer could have led a team to pick up the beacon. So why her? He had to have been planning something other than to ask her to join him. He had known about this mission for a while it seemed.

"The Alliance has been pushing for this for a long time, Cate. Humanity wants a larger role in shaping interstellar policy. We want more say with the Citadel Council. If they accept a human into their Spectre ranks, it shows how far the Alliance has come," Anderson said, trying to hide a prideful smile under his mask of professionalism.

Nihlus was still looming, studying. "I was impressed when I studied the reports from Elysium, Akuze and Torfan. You've got a very remarkable résumé. That's why I think you would be a good candidate for the Spectres." _Ah, Humanity's friendly, neighborhood Turian._

Cate unfolded her arms to begin fiddling with her pants pockets. She needed to think about this, all sarcasm and joking aside. "I suppose this is good for the Alliance," she managed to choke out. Her mouth had suddenly become bone dry. She was still planning to leave the ship, maybe even ask for more shore leave. But then again, she knew how well that would go. She did not need time to dwell on their deaths. She needed to be doing something. Maybe as a Spectre she would find what she was looking for. She wouldn't get too attached to anyone, drifting from ship to ship. She'd be kept busy. Maybe this was the opportunity she needed.

Anderson tried to still one of her hands, placing a hand on her elbow. "We needs this, Cate."

As if she had agreed, Nihlus stated, "I need to see your skills first, Commander. Eden Prime will be the first of several missions together." _Great._

Anderson gave her a pat on the back, solidifying his confidence in her. "You'll be in charge of the ground team. Secure the beacon and get it onto the ship ASAP."

"Just give the word, Anderson," she huffed, obviously outnumbered. This was a "how high?" moment. The chess pieces were already in motion. Being just a pawn, she had no say in the matter and she reminded herself, _no thoughts_ either. She began to bun her long hair as Anderson continued.

"We should be getting close–" He had started to pull up a surface map.

Joker's alarmed voice shattered the rest of Anderson's sentence. "Captain! We've got a problem."

"What's wrong, Joker?" Anderson's brow furrowed as he frowned deeply. This was not what they needed on this mission. Everything needed to go exactly right.

"Transmission from Eden Prime, sir."

"Bring it up on screen."

They watched a young woman fight. Blasts were going off everywhere, obvious distress, obvious chaos, obvious death. There were explosions that skewed their vision and a man announced that they were taking heavy casualties, a surprise attack at that. After a brief glimpse of a daunting ship, the feed cut. Joker came back on the comm. "Everything cuts out after that. No comm traffic at all. Just goes dead. There's nothing," he stated gloomily.

Anderson didn't pay attention to Joker at all. He was thinking. Cate could see it on his face. "Reverse and hold at 38.5." The ship came up clearly on the screen. She did not like the look of it. It looked like a giant claw; it looked evil. "Status report."

"Seventeen minutes out. No other Alliance ships in the area."

Anderson had already made up his mind, regardless of what Joker had to report. "Take us in, Joker. Fast and quiet. This mission just got a lot more complicated."

Sharing a knowing look with the Captain, Nihlus seemed to agree with their psychic conversation. "A small strike team can move quickly without drawing attention. It's our best chance to secure the beacon."

"Grab your gear, Cate," Anderson ordered. "And meet us in the Cargo Hold. Tell Alenko and Jenkins to suit up. You're going in."


End file.
